In my culture, Nigerian, we are trained to never talk back to our elders and obey them. Even if you disagree with what they tell you to do. I agree with respecting my elders’ or others’ opinions, but when it comes to my comfort or my child, I have learned to set boundaries, respectfully inform the unsolicited advice-giver, and keep it moving. When I had Ava, I struggled with this, and I bottle up so much frustration. I chose to talk about this topic because I’ve heard so many ladies complaining about being told how to raise their child/children. Especially when they are a new mom, and that is not ok. Unless a child is in danger, people need to allow new moms to raise their kids how they please.
I stumbled across an IG post by Nabil Zafir (@behaviourtherapist), and he provided some great examples of how you can tell people to back off in a friendly way. Below are some ways to share your boundaries:
- “I appreciate your concern, but I am comfortable with my decision.”
- “I am uncomfortable when you make me feel guilty about my decisions, and I need to end this discussion.”
- “Thank you for caring, but please listen to what I am saying without offering your opinion/advice.”
I had to have a challenging conversation with some of my family members, who insisted on telling me what to do with Ava. They made me feel bad for how I chose to raise Ava or how I tended to her, and I was not too fond of it, lol. I didn’t say anything at first, and I bottled anger inside. I finally got to a point when I told people, thanks for your advice, but no thanks! After they saw how serious I was, they backed off, and when they wanted to give me advice, they approached me differently. Let me tell you, I felt so much better and stopped second guessing myself because of what someone else thought was best.
Don’t be afraid to have those tough conversations. Your feelings and your decisions matter. Please don’t do what I did and stay silent. Maya Angelou was a guest speaker at an event when I was in college, and she said it best. She said, “If you don’t like something, say something about it right away.” Set your boundary or end the conversation if you do not feel like you’re being heard.
To the advice-givers: if you want to offer assistance, ask first. If the person is not interested in your advice, move on.
Have you dealt with this issue? If so, how did you handle it? Let me know in the comments below! XOXO!